boiling eggs

I boiled eggs in the microwave
They exploded 'BOOM' like a bomb
Stunned, speechless, startled
I swallowed my saliva 'Uc'
My face smelled eggs
The microwave smelled eggs
The pantry smelled eggs
A 'potential' cook I am!!!

Choir Christmas Party

I had a Christmas party in Eleanor's house yesterday after all the trouble of searching for the place. The taxi driver was partially lost and drove me to Gallop road instead of Gallop Park road. Thank God that I still had enough money to pay him after all the turning-round-and-about. Eleanor's house was an ideal place to hold the party - a private house with a swimming pool, 5 cars, 5 maids and 2 dogs. Yet, her parents and grand parents were so simple and sincere. I enjoyed the homely, warm and embracing atmosphere in her house that is so blessed by the Lord. I had a good time eating the salad my group made the previous day. The salad was commendable i must say though it was not the most popular dish of the meal.
To sum up, a meaningful time of gathering with my fellow choir mates and not to forget, teachers...

I have stopped asking God what His will is for me because I think it is a very useless thing to do without me doing anything specific about it.

I want to know what I can do as I am now to please Him and follow His plan which I havent known yet. I dont know why I have been involved and exposed so much to the musical field recently. No matter what, I am thankful for the gift that comes from above. Sometimes, it s not about how good we are but about how willing we are to humble ourselves to learn and listen to be used by God.

" Dont be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly light, who doesnot change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of first fruits in all he created"

I have had moments when the feelings of inferior complexity reign over me. I feel inadequate to rise up to the challenge. Nevertheless, in the end, it is not about us. It is not me who is the centre of the picture.
It is God.
It is about us letting Him empower us to fulfil His will onto our surrounding people so that on the day of judgement we can answer Him : What have you done to your life that I have traded with my blood and flesh?

So my brothers and sisters,
"Today, if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts as you did in the rebellion, during the time of testing in the desert" - Hebrew 4:8

The faster we learn, the earlier He can use us.

Joining worship team

I have decided to train hard my guitar and my keyboard to be able to join the worship youth team. God has given me much exposure to the musical field like choir and people teaching me how to play the guitar and piano. It is time I use the talent to serve Him. It is not easy but I know this is not a performance to show off. I need to serve Him with a right God-seeking heart with humility and submission so that God can use me.
Grow. Grow. Grow. I want to grow faster in Him.

The last lap

Last day of school but not last day of work. My energy is running out.
Exhausted.
Drained.
Worn out.
Things are burdening, chaotic and messy.
I am coming back to rest in Him. Amen.

After Promos

I have finished my promos and contemplated the past two weeks. It is a long break, isn't it? But how come it passed by so fast. Time is really evil.

My uncle and aunt have stayed in Singapore for quite a while for there was something wrong with the baby and the local doctor did not know how to deal with it. She gave birth 2 days ago. Though it was a premature birth, the baby boy was healthy, like a balloon, expanding after being compressed the his mother's womb for the past 8 months.

We have not seen each other for 5 years and honestly meeting my uncle again brought me some butterflies in the stomach because I am not close to him. There seemed to be a barrier between us that made me feel uncomfortable, with him and with his wife whom I met for the first time. A successful well-off CEO, with a beautiful wife- that's my uncle whose view and aim are linked with the effectiveness of work. Money to him is the measurement of our efficiency. Good work means much money. Not so good... uhm, you know what to expect.

Maybe that's the blurry reflection of the real world that we are going to face later- cold-blooded and competitive. If so, it is scary, isn't it? More often than not, I constantly find myself struggling to cope with school work, CCA and normail daily things that need to be taken care of. Even things that are seemingly insignificant also cost me tonnes of sweat and effort to complete. But only in the midst of all odds where I feel the most inadequate do I realise that I am really desperate for God. Though the world is so unloving, God is love. When I think of my future, what I am going to be, what and where my job is, I think I am still unsure. Dear lord, I pray for your wisdom to direct me so that when the time is right, I will make the right decision. I am ready to be used by You.

Exams start tomorrow. I must not be scared. Dear Lord, help me.

Are you afraid of being taken advantage of? In the rememberance of the good old days, I remember the kindness and gentleness of my roommate last year,Dzung. Her heart is so pure and generous that whoever God has put in the care of her hands will be comforted.Outsiders might think that this girl is silly because other people will take advantage of her kindness.
But they dont understand.
If love is in parallel with pursueing self-interest, it is not love. God says " Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you."( Luke 6:27-31)
God only gives us a certain period of time to be with a particular person. We never know when the time is over until it really comes. Who knows that it would be the last time you could help the person God sent you because when you see him/her next time, it would not be the same anymore. The situation would be surely different.I am in the process of learning. It is just so hard to keep His commandments and I fail everyday. But we have to keep at it. Dont be discouraged, sam.

ASEAN dance

The memory of the ASEAN dance yesterday still seems to linger so vividly somewhere in the air. Perhaps it is the excitement of the party. Perhaps not.

In the morning, the feeling sometimes got so strong and still possessed its overwhelming power over me. It was scary, wasn’t it? It appears like a monster which casts on its victims the spell of possession and obsession that can haunt them for long. Though it was not my first time to join this annual event, I think this year, somehow it was different than my experience for the past two years.

Too wild. Far too wilder than I imagined.

Is it because when people get to JCs, they believe that they are more mature now, perhaps like adults (I doubt so) and thus can do likewise? Or is it me that did not see it two years ago and that it was there all along?

I wanted to go for ASEAN dance to see some of my close friends. It is like a friend gathering kind of thing because we have been too busy to catch up with one another for the longest time ever. Wouldn’t it be fun to fast dance with your friends and even teach one another some of the hip hop dance steps that you have never thought that you can one day do it gracefully? After a while, you and your friends would get out of the crowd, sit down to rest, at the same time chit chat. Wouldn’t it be perfect?

That did not happen. At some point of time when the music and the urging recurring drumbeat resounded in my ears, I found myself struggling to grasp back the alertness of mind, the self-control that could easily be lost in the craze and ecstasy. I did not want to see my choir friends to be the same as some of the overexcited people there. It would sound really ridiculous because at some moment I wanted to protect them as if I could, from all that noise while I myself was not safe either. I think they were even calmer than me.

The music, the craze, and the dance movements- they are not from God. The music was turned on. Your heart started to beat fast, hungrily, crazily and you were tempted to swing your body, clap your hands and gyrate your hips.

God never tempts us. What belongs to Him gives us the inner peace that is distinctive and lovely. Perhaps I should not have gone for ASEAN dance. But I saw something. I saw a monster in me that had never had a chance to reveal- something cold-blooded and wild. It immediately canceled the self image that I have often carried in my mind. Sometimes, we can think that we are good-natured because we do things that are generous and kind. We are so wrong. Or at least, I am. The Devil is the most hardworking creature. It sees through our innermost weaknesses and deceives us cruelly. Who says that the music that day was not nice? Attractive should be the word here. We fell for it. I fell for it because I am not God. We are not God, who is never tempted by the evil. And that is why we need God desperately.

“Each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.” (James 1:14-15)

I thank God for letting my mind somehow aware of what was occurring around me. I thank Him for not letting go of me but always patiently waiting for me to come back. I have come back dear Lord.
Amen.

The parable of the Talents talks about a master giving his 3 servants different numbers of latents of money ( a talent was worth more than a thousand dollars) according to their ability. At the end of the day, the one who was given 5 talents had invested all five of his talents and gained 5 more. Same for the one given 2 talents. He produced 2 more. Only the one with one talent did not do anything with his talent. Instead, he buried it, thinking that he had too little to do anything. (Matthew 25:14-30)

We all know that God has given each one of us different talents. The money in the parable is actually the gifts that we have. They can be the gifts in music, in sports, in art, language, science, business, the gift of consoling, entertaining, storytelling, teaching and so on. In the world's view, some gifts are believed to be better than others and some people do have more talents than others. But remember the one with 2 talents. Though he was given fewer talents than the first one, he did not complain but invested all he had in something profitable. At the end of the day, it is not how many talents we received that counts. What matters is the faith in the Lord and our trust that God will bless our fruits through our serving. We all have to be accountable for our actions. To face the day of judgement and answer these questions, 'what have you done with your life that I have given you? What have you done with the talents that you received? What have you done with the people that I sent you?' is not easy.

I see some people use their talents to earn financial gain and self pleasure. Well, it is not for me to judge them but the motives of our doings are important. The Lord sees through them all.
No matter how little we have, it counts and the "little" can be used for making something good and beautiful. So do not envy for envy will only lead to destruction and self condemnation. When God made the world and all the creatures , "He saw that it was good" (Genesis 1:25), but when He created man, "God saw all that he had made and it was VERY good" ( Genesis 1: 31) because man was made in God's own image. We are all so beautiful in God's eyes and if we truly think that we are not, we have fallen short of God's expectation.

The parable continues. When the master came back, he was pleased at the fruitful results of the first two servants "Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness."
But to the last servant, the master scolded him :" You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? Well then, you shoud have put my money on deposit with the banker, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest"

The servant was punished.


This is the lesson that I have learnt today. To look back, I have complained a lot. I was saddened because I cant be as good as my friends. I should stop them all.

The September Holiday has started from today on for my school. We had Teachers' Day celebration at school. The effort put in the performances and the preparation was shown. I think the students have done a great job to make the day special and memorable. The videos and slide shows were funny yet touching. I realised that ACJC teachers are full of humour and youth in the school culture of vibrancy. I can notice some tinge of mischief and wit of the old ACSians in them. I am grateful that God has put me in ACJC to allow me to experience its culture and its people. It's God's grace.

"Dear teachers
Thank you so much for your guidance, love and care that you showered over me as well as each of the ACSians. The fingerprint of God in you has left a mark on us that changed us into peolple of love, passion and integrity. Thank you.
Happy Teachers' Day"

We performed today. It was another choir experience that we can learn from. Stay calm and cool like a cucumber. A new day has come with hope and promising events.

I watched Harry Potter part 1,2 ,3 yesterday. They were fascinating. I was blued to the chair for the whole evening. I want to watch part 4 and 5.
I wonder whether the world of magic really exists like in Harry Porter. That would be scary, wouldnt it? In the end, I still see there are two separate sides : the good and the evil. If witches really exist, I dont think they are as nice as the characters like Hagrit in the movie. My imagination is that they should be more barbaric and cruel. I wonder where God is in their lives.

Asra's poem

Asra, my roommate wont come back on mondays anymore. Sigh. The downpour at the moment reminds me of her poem she sent me today. So, there are two things in my mind now: firstly, Asra's poem and secondly "raindrops are falling on my head". I thinkI have been recently more artistic than I was before. Dont you think so, Asra? oh never mind, I have already known your answer, Asra (whisper: Say yes). Or at least I am attempting to activate my illogical mind to read more poems in the hope that some tinge of Asra's poetic aura can spread to me.

Here is my attempt to compose a poem:

"I am lost
in the midst of guitar chords.
Their symbols are short
but, hey, easy to play?
Uhmmmm

Definitely not."

Nice?

Oldham Hall Church camp

Auntie Linda asked me to join her in 2 day Oldham Hall church camp on Friday and Saturday. I could not make it for both days as Saturday is the untouchable choir day. I met some of my Vietnamese juniors there, old and new. Some just came to Singapore for a few months. How amazing it is that the Lord has given me the chance to talk and play with them. Anna told me that 3 of them have accepted the Lord during the camp. This is the second church camp that I have attended with lots of fun.

Auntie Linda has brought me to realise that everything I stumbled and wanted to give up, God always sent angles to encourage and pull me out of the trouble. He is indeed so merciful and forgiving to me regardless of how sinful i am. At the end of every single day, when I reflect back what has happened, I realise that I have received so much grace. My classmates could have hated me. Anna could have been in Oldham Hall now with Dung and not here to listen to my regular complaints. Mr and Mrs Wong are there all the time to help and pray for me. Auntie Taiwan, my foster parent, is so caring, asking me to join the charity dinner with her in a luxurious hotel. I mean, things could have gone so wrong, so so wrong. But they did not. I shoud get over the redundant sorrow and despair.

I fondly read the Bible to seek for God's words that speak to me. Those words form the daily energy source. I am following Anna jie jie's habit to read Bible after, I mean before sleeping time.

"The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me besides quiet waters,
he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of deatd,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me." ( Psalm 23: 1-4)

Tomorrow my new jumiors will come to oasis. Let's pray that things will be fine and we will have a fun time there. I always look forward to Sunday. It is a fun day.

"Stop reading other people 's blogs". I am wondering since when I have established this habit. Even Anna's entries donot give me the peace. They just stirred my troubled mind because I know I am not putting my trust onto the Lord. Jie jie asked me why i was making coffee and received a reply that I was gonna stay up late to complete work. Jie jie asked why I had not done it earlier. All I could think of was " too bad"... I think that was the best answer I could give her because I did not want to complain or say anything extra to pester her. I think that would be the best.

God is with me. Why am I always trying to do everything myself? I am struggling. It is not that I am so smart that I cant trust anyone to do the work for me. Absolutely not. But I just cant let go. So difficult is it to be submissive to God. Being a Christian isnot easy at all. Things will not get easier if you are a christian but God has promised to stay by our sides. He was, is and will always be. Thank you jie jie for your blog.

I want to let my thoughts flow out like the river until my brain is drained and nothing is left behind so that I would not be able to think and meditate on what has happened. I dont want to stop typing. I want to continue to delude myself that I were outside the world and time had stopped just to wait for me. I want...to CRY. Everytime I type this word, it is always spelt wrongly initially and I will have to correct it. It is accidentally emphasized and embedded in my mind.

Never mind the shed tear. Never mind. I still have to move on.

So heavy. I cant just constantly encourage myself that things will be fine. I want to accept it and believe it with conviction and faith. God, help me.

I kept being hooked into things that I should not be involved like playing and sleeping while i am supposed to do work. It's not that playing and sleeping are bad ( they are necessary), but I think i have slept and played too much. I have ''overdosed'' them. I joined my junior's birthday party for the whole evening. Though it was quite fun, I felt empty and unfruitful after the party ended. I know it is not what I want. Perhaps, i should have just followed jie jie Anna to go upstairs right from the beginning. Well, too late for me to regret or say anything. Things cant be changed and I just have to learn the lesson in the hard way. It was my choice anyway. I chose it.

God did not stop me at all. I know He would not. Last year, I prayed that Anna would be around. Now she is around me, in the same hostel, on the same floor. How come it is not like what I imagined. I felt insecure, not once, but many times. Well, Anna has her own life and her own things to be catered to. I cant expect too much from her. Definately not. I dont have the right. It is not fair to her because she has already helped me a great deal since the beginning of the year.

I think I am not gonna sleep tonight. I will make up for what I should have done. I will do my work.

Precious free Saturday

I stayed up until 3.30 am yesterday to do my WR. i am very sleepy now. My teacher is having fever. I must pray for her.
God be with me and you.

... Dots...

It has been a long time I have not blogged. There are just so many things that happened that I dont know where to start. Well, to summarise, it's all about school work and school life.
Firstly, I have to say that I have been singing with the choir every morning during assembly for 2 weeks and have the privilege to sit at the left side of the stage area called Choir corner. I cant deny that I honestly feel proud about this though sometimes I can hardly see anything on the screen from the extreme corner. However, I will have to practise my singing more because I sound unstable and shallow when I sing.

I have been caught up with project work recently. I think it is tough and I am clueless quite often. But at the same time i realise that I am gonna finish JC1 in 2 months'time, which is crazy. The memory of the orientation games is still veyr vivid and now you tell me to prepare for Alevel. Crazy...

All lecturers are running the race with one another because they go really fast. I am victimised by the system and shoved to the situation where I am compressed like hamberger. Too much pressure.

At the same time, I am learning to trust God and submit my worries to him. It is a difficult process. But every Christian must undergo. So please pray for me.

May God bless you and bless me...

I spent almost 12 hours in the heritage room for choir practice today. I think it's a miracle that I could concentrate on one specific thing for so long. Choir in secondary school to me was more like a fun CCA with games, songs and dancing. I think I really love SC choir.

I was a little stressed by the stark difference when entering JC choir and it has taken me quite a while to adjust to the stringent rules and unfamiliar friends some of whom can be unfriendly at times. But after all, I am part of the community now and I dont want to be troubled and sad. I have to learn to get along with what is given to me, either choir or other things too, like PW mates, classmates, clustermates and my friends. Otherwise, I would just keep sinking deeper into depression and die with it. God keeps me on the right track and reminds me to do the right things. It is really important because fulfilling the responsibility is a hard thing to do and because there is so much temptation around. Easily, we get hooked up like fish.

JC life is not so simple as secondary school anymore. I think it's time for me to grow more mature. One thing I know for sure is that God is with me.

I am grateful for my last week's Physics SPA. Here I am, safe and sound with neither bruises, cuts, sweat nor stress over it. I was quite amazed that I actually completed the practical, which has never happened before, even in O level since I am often too cautious about details being taken in experiments to finish it within the time limit. Thanks be to God. I think He really listens and bless me.

I have been troubled recently by exams, friends, choir and project work. I prayed a lot yesterday for some inner peace and security to keep me on track. I realised that it is so easy to drift away from Him and get carried away by our busy life, just like pastor See said that our problems become too magnified and colossal that He becomes too small and insignificant and we are simply too overwhelmed by the present obstacles to see the Lord's work and intention in our lives. I have been ignorant and indifferent to Him and if He is not a patient God who is always waiting for me to come back, He could have just abandoned this unfaithful girl and things could have gone so wrong. He knows I am weak, lonely and unstable...He knows all my weaknesses and has sent Anna, Dzung, Uncle David, Uncle Kee Hong, Joey, Ying xian, Long... to be my friends and my source of consolation. Anyway I am going to receive a card from Ying xian, the naughty kiddo haha ( ying xian, if you read this, pls dont change your mind to send me the card) with a funny stamp with orange-striped fish.

I started to get back my term exam papers today. But I'm not revealing the results today. Wait until I get everything first.

After term exams

I am so grateful that I have completed my physics SPA, safe and sound. I remember praying so hard before the practical to have peace because I have been troubled by quite a number of things like friends, choir, project work and whatsoever. I truly and desperately need some inner peace and security. I was rather amazed that I actually finished the practical in time. This had never happened before since I am often too cautious about details taken in experiments to finish it within the time limit. Thanks be to God. I think He really listened to me though I have not really felt His presence very regularly.
My mind has been meditating on whether or not I should run for choir committees. It can be said to be a "L-sized' decision about my commitment in choir. Perhaps I should take a further step...
The nomination form is due this Saturday...

I finished my physics exam, my second last paper before the whole stressful exam period ends with a complete full stop. Yes, no more, no more exams. It was better than the killer chemistry though I still made many foolish mistakes. I feel so much relieved now but not to forget that my dear SPA physics practical is still patiently waiting for me on Tuesday... hahaha, it sounds promising with full of anticipation. Good or bad, I donot know.

I used to think that all science subjects are rather simple, especially when compared to those humanities subjects which I am 'wonderfully' good at ( I 'under'pass them most of the time). But I think I may change my opinion. Physics and Chemistry all of a sudden become challenging. I am pathetic when it comes to physics though I have consciously spent quite a number of hours studying it. Still, the result doesnot look encouraging.

Dzung is sick. I am planning to visit her within this weekend. I cant contact her, which irritates me a little. But calm down, Sam. I have to learn to be more patient.

Anna is recovering from her fever. I am sure she can rest, sleep , eat or do whatever in peace now as her scholarship has been settled and it was not dengue fever.

Yo yo yo, let's not be discouraged and continue to carry on with perseverence. God is with you. Amen...

Term exams :(

Finally, the TERM EXAMS have come just like exactly how it was described by the experienced: they have the power to sweep sheep like us. I finished my econs and maths papers today. Much as expected, econs was challenging to me. Up till now, I have yet to be able to appreciate the wonder of this subject. Oh well, I cant even boast with my 'non-economics' friends all the terminologies. What more do you expect from me?
Yesterday, my senior spent almost the whole last hour of the day ( till 12pm) to explain what economies of scale and diseconomies of scale are amd she was down with fever today. Did my 'yong tau fu' brain stress her to such limit? Oh nooooo.
I cant understand why all my friends did not believe me that I was not prepared for the exams at all. They would throw at me a look that says I know you studied lots.
Tragic...

JUNE HOL

Holiday is just around the corner. I cant help feeling so relaxed for the last few days. Today I had choir. The preparation for the upcoming concert has been ongoing for quite a while and i am glad that the committee is very efficient to lead and encourage everyone to be well-prepared before the concert. School has been more interesting recently, maybe because I have made more friends and got used to the school. Last week I felt like boxing the........ PILLOW...............as it was too hard. This week my friend lent me hers so it was much better, softer and smoother. My roommate went home yesterday so I am currently staying alone in my empty room. I am attempting to be independent this June though I am not very sure whether I will succeed. But no harm trying right? In fact, it is a necessary thing that should have been part of me now. Hello, I am a JC student. Am I big?
No, I am very small sized, 153cm and 48kg. ok, that is called perfectly fit, except that fact that I cant join miss world. I am too short..................................................sighted.

Choir

Honest to say, I am very fascinated and easily inspired by music, but dont ask me about my favourite music type because I just dont have. My itune is a mixture of various types ranging from pop, jazz, rock, classic to folk songs. Two years of being a choir member has raised my humble understanding of this artistic field and I have to admit that i enjoyed singing. Singing can be a hobby but when it comes to the real performance, it requires a lot more than just your personal favourite thing. The whole batch of JC1 received a harsh scolding from my choir teacher today for not giving it all to their singing. Sharing music needs integrity. That is true. It is just like sharing your food with others. It should be tasty food and not the spoilt or rotten one. Similarly, through the performance, others should be able to see the good fruit produced and appreciate music. Choir is a serious CCA that demands high discipline and responsibility. I have constantly been the blurred member, outdated about the announcements made. It 's time to pick up the skills and learn to be more responsible. Just to let you know, I was fined $10 for forgetting to bring scores today, saturday,last day of the week. I hope that this event will be the milestone for my last unnecessary mistake. Or will it not???