At times, the idea of giving up passes my mind. Can I not care and bother so much about the outcomes of what i am doing? Can I just be frivolous towards study and activities at school? I have caught sight of a pitfall of desperation ahead of me and before I decide to take another path to avoid it, I seem to have sunk into it deeper day by day. The lacking motivation that evaporates without trace, the anguish and fury against myself because of the sinful nature that resides in me torture my conscience.
I am not allowing God to use me. I am not opening my heart to Him. To say that God is merciful enough to accept me after each time I sin against Him is the sin of assumption. I am not a trustworthy person before Him because I didn't keep my promise.
So ashamed... So ashamed did I feel when I read the book "Make Jesus lord". People daringly left their comfort zones to venture forth, riddled with full conviction and faith.
Lord Jesus, WHAT AM I TO DO?
Just shut me up or do something to pull me out of this pit of darkness.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
My short night's sleep was interrupted by the alarm clock of Chen Ming across the toilet. To my shock and horror, the clock 'unwillingly' pointed 7:15 am. I wanted to wake up much earlier to revise my Organic Chemistry which i attempted to cramp into my head by hook or by crook just a few hours earlier. I guess studying like this does not work out.
Even in the midst of my inadequacy in Chemistry and Physics, I could totally sense that God was upholding me that I just needed to go forth and completed what I could. I spent almost the whole day to revise the Physics chapter "Superpositions", being utterly conscious about the tight time line that I had for revision of both physics and chemistry. Anna has constantly mentioned that we ought to be faithful to whatever things given to us. I want to be faithful to Him, to glorify Him with my deeds because what faith is this if we do not have deeds? I wanted to thoroughly understand the concept of the chapter and grew increasingly encouraged and happy as the questions were solved one by one (for that chapter only :))
After the chemistry paper, I caught sight of Pooja and felt an urge to accost her. The tension and anxiety on her face that grew so intense that the muscle just went stiff and rigid silently spoke it all. It struck me because it reminded me of the fear that I experienced last year during PW when I desperately wrapped myself in the blanket for security. I am thankful because I could explain Superpositions to Pooja. Is that why you wanted me to study Superpositions, lord?
Physics SPA is tomorrow dear lord. May you grant Pooja the understanding and the tranquility of mind to complete the experiment, knowing that we are not alone.
Even in the midst of my inadequacy in Chemistry and Physics, I could totally sense that God was upholding me that I just needed to go forth and completed what I could. I spent almost the whole day to revise the Physics chapter "Superpositions", being utterly conscious about the tight time line that I had for revision of both physics and chemistry. Anna has constantly mentioned that we ought to be faithful to whatever things given to us. I want to be faithful to Him, to glorify Him with my deeds because what faith is this if we do not have deeds? I wanted to thoroughly understand the concept of the chapter and grew increasingly encouraged and happy as the questions were solved one by one (for that chapter only :))
After the chemistry paper, I caught sight of Pooja and felt an urge to accost her. The tension and anxiety on her face that grew so intense that the muscle just went stiff and rigid silently spoke it all. It struck me because it reminded me of the fear that I experienced last year during PW when I desperately wrapped myself in the blanket for security. I am thankful because I could explain Superpositions to Pooja. Is that why you wanted me to study Superpositions, lord?
Physics SPA is tomorrow dear lord. May you grant Pooja the understanding and the tranquility of mind to complete the experiment, knowing that we are not alone.
I have taken God and the fact that He has died for us for granted. Jesus suffered and was crucified so that human can reconcile with God once again. This has been the foundation of Christianity that has always been referred and emphasized for us Christians. At times, I find myself totally indifferent to this repetitive message sent across because it is something that every believer and many unbelievers have come to know. Yet, the message is still repeated.
It is repeated because we human are forgetful. What is difficult is not to perceive it as head knowledge but to internalize it by how we deal with our daily lives, which shows our faithfulness in every small little thing that God has put under our responsibility. At one moment, we claim that we have gained the knowledge and known what pleases Him and we are determined to do it. A moment later, we almost immediately give in to a myriad of snares of sin. We have the desire to do what is good but we cant carry it out. " For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do" -Romance 7:15
"But where sin increased, grace increased all the more so that just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord"
">Romance 5: 20-21
"What shall we say then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin, how can we live in it any longer?" "Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires . Do not offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. For sin shall not be your master because you are not under law but under grace""
">Romance 6
It is repeated because we human are forgetful. What is difficult is not to perceive it as head knowledge but to internalize it by how we deal with our daily lives, which shows our faithfulness in every small little thing that God has put under our responsibility. At one moment, we claim that we have gained the knowledge and known what pleases Him and we are determined to do it. A moment later, we almost immediately give in to a myriad of snares of sin. We have the desire to do what is good but we cant carry it out. " For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do" -Romance 7:15
"But where sin increased, grace increased all the more so that just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord"
">Romance 5: 20-21
"What shall we say then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin, how can we live in it any longer?" "Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires . Do not offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. For sin shall not be your master because you are not under law but under grace""
">Romance 6
Monday, March 03, 2008
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